An eventful night, Apr 10, '26

Apr 13, 2025

Post lunch naps are the best naps. The crank (me) awakened when the post lunch nap was interrupted 5 minutes into it by a pregaming birthday boy with another female voice. Yes, I agreed to help set up for a friend's birthday party. He lived near Parappana Agrahara and me near churchstreet so crank is about to get crankier. Taking the auto to the metro station, takes off headphones, phone and bag for scan. Gentle metro tap sound I like. Wow metros in bangalore have changed, its been a while I used them. It's crowded and I watch people use their phones. Lot more people on phones now, scrolling reels. Oh, there's internet underground too but women watching conspiracies, right wing propaganda and wife jokes. Sad. somebody liked a Putin joke on their phone and Bad bunny's LO QUE LE PASÓ A HAWAii plays on my sound cancellation headphones. I'm grateful for the Aircon and my sound cancellation headphones. A tired woman's back touches mine, she is incredibly warm and that makes me uncomfortable. The lack of space is the culprit, not the woman obviously. I breathe through the sensory overload. It's ok. It will pass. Slowly space freed up and she moved a little further easing my sensory issues. Metro is fun, it is fast, it is raining and the trees are beautiful. I've never been happier. The transparent glass windows are clean and allow me to watch the sunset when it stops raining. I watch people get on, people get off, a woman not knowing where to hold onto so she doesn't fall standing in the crowded train, we smile and she asks me which side the metro will open. It made me happy, just being around people and smiling at them made me happy. This is why people leave their houses everyday.
I notice some very excited- not city people board the train. Three people - probably father, son, mother. Father immediately notices when a seat empties next to a man, ushers the mother to sit down. When the seat next to her clears up, father sits down with her happily. There's another seat opposite them that frees up but the son - maybe 20/ 21 doesn't sit. There is a beautiful woman sitting in the two seater, he doesn't even consider it, city man with headphones takes it. Made me wonder why not? Was he conscious? was he worried that the woman would be uncomfortable sitting next to him? Or did he just not want to sit? Maybe he was rejected often in city spaces unlike his mother and father who didn't feel the brunt of it as much because they might've just been visiting him? I'm overthinking I don't know enough.

I get off.

There's a beautiful lake outside the metro station. It has rained, the atmosphere is pretty and I'm tired of standing. The road was not made to be walked on. Ok take the auto again.

Auto guy being sweet, extra cautious in case he is mean to me later I don't know. I get off wrong place, basement of friend's apartment instead of somewhere else with a pool, I wanted to see pool.

Birthday boy leaves his house to come all the way down to pick me up. Very sweet. He looks happy and I'm excited to meet all his friends, a little spent from the metro ride but buzzing from watching the beautiful sunset, an older woman's smile and all other observations. People watching is fun. Anxious to meet someone at his house I'd already met twice and preparing for his house to fill up with people I didn't know.

-door open-

damn, fabulous couch. Two people - girl, boy. Girl with orange top. Orange and yellows are so easily noticeable. Birboy immediately makes it competitive between me and orange top girl by saying she scored higher on a thing I'm on the highest on the leaderboard.

"What's your score?"
"131, you?"
"196"
"Lame, birboy, I'm 60 points ahead of her"
I continue to make conversation with orange top girl, boy. Boy tells me how he had jaundice for 6 months in 12th grade in Kota and it was depressing. Oh, Kota - the depression youth capital of india, the stories are all very sad. Hope he could get his precious years of teenagerdom back. Birboy and jaundice boy leave to get drinks.

someone I met twice comes out to greet us, I say hello with a handshake, very soft hands wonder what moisturiser he uses, probably genetics. Many punjabis seem to have soft skin. Orange top Girl's hands were pretty also, she wore a bindi with the western outfit, which was cool. We end up in softhand boy's bedroom because it has aircon. Oh, sensory issues slowly slowly melting away because aircon was so pleasant. I catch up softhand boy on my life - burnout, quitting job and he mentions remembering me fondly from 2022. I was at ease finally because I was really anxious softhand boy didn't have a good time talking to me in 2022. Maybe he would avoid me, being remembered fondly makes me happy. More distracted conversations, many topics, many overwhelm, where is my friend? hope he's ok. Dating apps brought up in conversation. Thoughts of anxiety fill up - gender dysphoria, asexuality and what am I doing on hinge? I shouldn't be there, I have nothing to offer, people go there to have sex and I have no sex to offer. No I can go there just to meet new people, I'm allowed to be there, it is ok.

"She's chill" softhandboy to birboy when he came to meet me for the first time many weeks ago. It's ok, people don't mind being around me.

-snaps back into conversation-

more conversation, more conversation- orange top girl very contradictory.

-softhand boy hands me the control playing god of war to feel haptics, the guy dies, I don't know how to play hands it back-

-intently watches mortal kombat between softhand boy and orange top girl- I love this, the movements, the background, the art - oh the art fills me with joy, so pretty, hope i make beautiful art and beautiful games one day -

-more missing cues, people laugh, more jokes that I miss, its ok, they're not laughing at you but with you, continue watching mortal kombat-

"damn, you're really autistic huh" soft hand boy smile and asks if he can head pat
-nod nod-
head pat feel good but maybe I don't know person well enough to do this, human connection get stronger. Nice.
-touch touch passing things in between- human beings feel good, this is why people hug. I see. Feeling humans around feel less alone.

-soft hand boy leaves-

Orange top girl and me astrology conversation "You give me earth sign vibes, very grounded" ~flattered uwu, therapy works~ orange top girl dated pisces boy "Indeed pisces boys are very pretty and dangerous" "yes"

-more people arrive-

hello~ hello~ people very well dressed. I also wanted to but sensory overload so tshirt pants. We should get cake
-ordered strawberry mascarpone cake from friend's birthday-

-some more people arrive-
birboy sister wearing very pretty black two piece set, liked, she has a dimple and a gentle smile
"I feel like you can read minds"
"I can't, I just sometimes see people for who they are when they talk"

girl in green tank top "what do you do?" "guess?" "ok, I will ask three questions to decipher" "where is your office?" "sarjapur road" "you're not beating working in tech allegations right now" "what was your favourite subject in school?" "math" "nice, me too. What do u bitch about with your colleagues?" "I wish, nobody at my office is chill like that" "cuz they're all men? so software engineer then?" "nah, I'm a vlsi designer" "damn, I'm also an electronics engineer, getting into FPGA stuff, its so fun" "omg somebody here gets me"

-smiles and hugs her sister-

Cute I feel nice cuz I made someone feel good

Friend arrives in BMTC. People start doing shots and beer

Loud music, starting off with dancing queen

Flickering lights, more people. Deep breaths. It'll be ok. I will talk to people.

"do you want to see my newest project"
"yes yes show show" - soft hand boy
"spent a long time working on it"
"damn pretty cool"
Unity sales rep boy on other side of couch
"can I see?"
"yes ofcourse"
"my friend is building something like this,
so how is this useful?"
"does it have to be?"
"how did you measure your emotions for this?"
"I took a piece of paper and wrote it while I listened to the song"
"how do I know you're not lying"
"why would I lie" cue to get up and leave because I don't want this conversation. He has my laptop
It's ok
I go into softhand boy room, switch of all the lights and sit down. It's ok, it happens, I wonder if he could read my disinterest? Did I offend him? Probably did. It's ok though, you'll never see him again.

-more music, can hear every conversation in the house, hear atharva mentioning my name-

"Hey, birboy is looking for you!"
"me? ok!"

"Why are u looking for me?"
"Are u having fun, I hope you're having fun?"
"I am, don't worry about it!"
"you're the only sober person here, so I want you to also have fun"
"yeah, I'm really liking talking to people"
"should we cut the cake?"
"yeah I'll go change!"

I bring out the cake
Unity sales rep "what ? No! we're not cutting cake now!"
"But birboy said we are"
"No, two of his friends are not here"

-takes cake back, oh I'm hungry-

I came here, I should make the most of this.
Rejoin the couch.
Unity sales rep is still there, okay and birboy sister. We talk about boys, therapy and reading people's minds.
"it's ok it's being 22, this is what it's like"
"so there's a situation" -more details-
"ya, sounds like 22, I just recommend you enjoy yourself, observe how you feel, acknowledge to yourself you feel that way"
"but isn't this bad"
"there's no morality to this, it will pass when it passes"
"I've never felt so strongly before"
"then you're winning, use this as an oppurtunity to learn more about yourself, if this is a new feeling then there's something to learn, you don't have any control over what happens in the external world anyway"
"damn, guess I need someone older to hear me out"
"yeah, your brother seems to like hanging out with me, you might too, feel free to ask questions whenever"

That felt good, I hope she finds a way to enjoy her early twenties. Because I sure as hell didn't. It was painful and hard and I was glad I could afford a therapist.

"So where are you from" unity sales rep
"I grew up here, my parents are from bijapur and bagalkot"
"We're from a small village, its not very nice"
"I see, tell me more"
-more details-
"I am a brahmin" he says proudly
I see.
-I nod, wondering how I can get out of this conversation-
"but I do eat non-veg I remember when in college somebody offered me chicken biryani and I loved it so much"
"have you tried beef"
-looks up and brings his hands together "couldn't do that to cow devi"
Interesting

Friend joins conversation and starts telling me changes in his life.
Oh no, Santrupti hate change, santrupti never want anything to change, change is hard, change is lonely. Change means I will be lonely again. Loneliness is deafening and hard, start spiraling.
~I will never be good enough~ mind whisper
No
"[mutual friend] got into cambridge"
More change. Lesser people, Scared, heart pounding
"please stop talking"

- goes back to soft hand boy room, starts crying. Fuck. I don't like this, I don't want to exist. Too many change, too less brain santrupti to make it out. I cannot do this. I will be alone again and sick and nobody will care. I'm not a good person, I should be happy, friends happy = santrupti happy but not really everything change, santrupti unhappy - no, I refuse, it will be ok.

Friend comes looking for me, hiding well enough, santrupti doesn't get seen. It's too cold but can't move because can't be seen.

~not good enough, everything change, change change change~

Second time friend actually finds, "are u ok?"
-non verbal thumbs up-

Green tank top girl enters, talking to somebody on text voice note, doesn't notice, stands there for a while.

- I need to pee but if I get up now, santrupti startle green top girl, not good, santrupti stay here-

-some more time passes-

~it will be ok~ mind whisper
"ok"

Green tank top girl leaves, ok now I pee

People are gathering around to cut cake and cake cut he does.
Birboy blows candles and they don't go off and I blow them off because its bad luck when all candles dont get blown off
Unity sales rep gives me a bad look

Ok whatever, I can deal with one person hating me

Everybody loves the strawberry mascarpone cake. I love the strawberry mascarpone cake. I ask lace dress girl to get me more cake and she feeds me. Umm, ok

We're standing she looks like she has cried

"are u ok? what has happened"
"I'm just anxious"
"do you want to talk about it?"
"no"
"You want a hug" shouldnt have offered cuz I dont like hugs
she nods, its ok, its for a good cause
-hug hug-
"you're so sweet"
"im here if you need me"

-some time passes-

lace dress girl and soft hands boy on couch
I climb up the couch and sit on top
Overhear conversation about converting house into airbnb nice ok.

-lace dress girl leaves-

"man whenever people hangout with you they say they had a great time with you, wish I was here from back then so we could also be friends"
"really? I'm so glad to hear that" - actually shocked because I don't always think people have a good time talking to me
realising soft hand boy is also very drunk
"do you want some water?"
"stop trying to take care of me!"
"oh ok!"

birboy sister and green tank top girl join the couch and play bollywood music
"man, you two are the only hot people in your family, birboy didn't inherit your genes" soft hand boy
"the fuck? thats not true, birboy is very cute also, he likes u so much why would u say that?" I say to softhand boy
"shit, yeah? birboy is also very cute "
"ok whatever" I leave.

oh no, people are getting drunk
"birboy mention DON'T SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HER" being carried by 3 people, people changing him, oh thats bad shouldn't be looking at this, I turn away and leave

Hmm... now what... We should...

"oh drunk birboy rejoins the couch"
Oh no
People leave him alone on the couch
"I should get him some water maybe"
gets him glass of water
slowly feeding water into his mouth and he's drinking thank god but fully passed out
I leave him be after he drinks some water and he immediately starts puking orange puke

Oh no, people gather around him to take him to the bathroom, pukes over himself on the floor and everywhere... and I also later find out on my precious... THAT'S RIGHT NOBODY HAS EATEN FOOD AND THERE HAVE BEEN MANY SHOTS OF jagermeister and gin and whiskey and what other liquid

Fuck... and he's not conscious at all.

"Should we call an ambulance? That looks like alcohol poisoning"
"no, I think this is normal" friend
"how can this be normal? what if he has alcohol poisoning and we don't realise because he's passed out"
"no people get blackout drunk all the time"
I look at him like he's gone insane. People take him to the toilet bowl and pukes a lot more. People leave him be.

After sometime I tap on his shoulder.

"do u want some water"
-no answer-
"do you want to sleep in your bed?"
-no answer-

I go back to friend
"being unconscious, how can that be normal?"
People take pictures and videos of drunk birboy passed out. This is so sad

"maybe we should go home?"
I'm still upset and dysregulated, maybe I should go home by myself

I realise that my phone is in soft hand boy's room, and the room is locked from the inside. I hadn't used it much all evening.

Jaundice boy comes up to me, maybe drunk, maybe not
"I'm not a misogynist you know?"
"I'm sorry?"
"I know you think I am, but I'm not!"
"I don't think anything like that at all, I'm sorry what is your name?"
"[jaundice boy name]"

How ~bizzare~

I ask people if they can carry him to his bed. They get kinda mad
"man, he always does this, he always gets so drunk and blacks out" they all leave to pick him up and put him in bed after stripping him of his clothes

After some banging oon the door I get my phone back and we leave the house.

My drunk friend is repeating himself, giving me directions whilst he doesn't know where we are. I continue to get annoyed. His guilty self apologises and tells me unless he's prompted he will not be talking, thank god. Because in my dysregulation, I'm ready to get mad.

I find us the way out and get a cab.

-sound cancellation headphones, music- friend falls asleep in the cab, there's mosquitoes inside the car.

We get to his home hoping to get idli the next morning and he pukes. No idli then. Right.

No sleep, friend talk in sleep, no sleep, turn around, turn around, cat meow, oh no, no sleep, please sleep, please,
-5am-

I want to go home, I sit in friend living room for 20 mins, should i just go, I try sleeping again. No sleep no sleep no sleep

Go home and crash at 6am. No idli for me.

The end.